


It's Always Christmas in Philadelphia

by Youkaineko



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Gen, M/M, Sickfic, gun use, well sickfic chapters anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 11,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youkaineko/pseuds/Youkaineko
Summary: A series of short ficlets based on an Advent prompt list!Includes one-sided MacDennis, some CharDeeMost are cute and Christmasy while still trying to keep the spirit of the show, some are just downright weird. Any additional/specific triggers and ships will be in the notes of each chapter.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Dee Reynolds, Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds
Kudos: 7





	1. Snow Globe

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be a list of 25 prompts leading up to Christmas day, but I only managed to get through 16 before the actual holiday. I may finish the last few up and post them later, but for now this is it.
> 
> Also, I know we're officially out of the season, but I'm posting this anyway.

The snow was coming down so hard and the wind so violent it looked like all of Philly was trapped inside a snow globe.

Instead, the gang was trapped in Paddy’s Pub. Much like when the Storm of the Century was meant to hit a few years ago, they’d stocked the bunker and hunkered down in preparation for the impending blizzard. Much  _ un _ like the Storm of the Century, the blizzard did not shift and did not miss Philly all together. Instead, it actually seemed to be coming down worse than was originally predicted.

Dennis had his eyes glued to the television as Jackie Denardo reminded everyone to stay indoors and went over how to prevent hypothermia in the event you get stuck outside. Of course, in her low cut blouse, all Dennis heard was “huddle for warmth” before he was lost in a fantasy about rescuing Jackie from the blizzard, but, uh-oh, they get stuck out in his Range Rover, unable to drive any further, and  _ “It’s so cold, Dennis. We have to cuddle. For warmth.” _

_ “Of course, Jackie. For warmth. But, hey. Isn’t it true that it’s actually warmer to have skin-to-skin contact?” _

_ “Oh! You’re right! We should cuddle naked. It’s the only way we’ll survive.” The intense look on her face as she locked eyes with him while he slowly undid each button caused him to bite his lip in anticipation. One more button and -  _

“Dennis!”

“Dammit!! What?!” He turns from the TV as Mac came out of the back office.

“What did the news say? How long are we stuck here? Because it’s been like 4 hours and Frank’s already threatening to start eating people.”

“I don’t know. Days, probably.”

Mac’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Days?! Frank is definitely going to kill someone. Or Charlie. Or maybe they’ll just kill each other.”

Dennis nods, eyes back on Jackie Denardo’s purple-pink top. He’s lost in thought again when the TV suddenly goes black. He blinks for a moment waiting for it to come back.

“Oh shit. Power’s out.” Mac says behind him.

“Where’s Charlie? I mean, the power goes out all the time, he should be able to fix it.”

“I don’t think so, man.” Mac says, pulling the front door open a crack. From the looks of it, the power is out down the whole street. Maybe even this whole side of Philadelphia.

A gust of wind and snow blasts Mac in the face and he quickly shuts the door, turning the latch to lock it as though that’ll keep the cold out. “Now what?”

****

_ Now _ is when they all head down to the basement. Charlie’s rigged the furnace back up right so they won’t get Carbon Monoxide poisoned - at least not right away - and it’s much warmer than it was upstairs. They don’t decide to barricade all five of them in the small room they call a bunker just yet though.

The basement is, of course, dark. It’s always dark, but somehow it feels even worse now with the power out, the only source of light coming from the glow of the furnace door.

Armed with flashlights, they each pull out spare bar stools and booth seats, practically shredded by rats, and form a semi-circle in front of the furnace. Frank has pulled out what is possibly the oldest radio Dennis has ever seen and is fiddling with the knobs, trying to make sense out of the garbled static blaring through the speaker.

Eventually, he lands on something they can just barely make out as a man talking about the weather. Something about snow, ice, excessive wind, stay indoors, blah blah. Frank turns the sound low so they can keep an ear out just in case and sets the radio on the floor.

And then they sit in silence for a few minutes. 

“So…” Charlie starts, picking at the duct tape on the corner of his stool. “What are we supposed to do now?”

“We could play Chardee MacDennis?” Dennis suggests, though he doesn’t sound quite as enthusiastic about the game as the last few times.

“No, nuh-uh. Not happening.” Mac protests almost before Dennis finishes saying the name of the game.

“Why not?” Frank asks, sounding affronted.

“Uh, maybe because the last time we played, I almost died.” Charlie reminds him. “I’m not playing with Frank again.” He clarifies. 

“Yeah, besides, me and Charlie always lose anyway. It’s not really fun anymore.”

“We wouldn’t be able to really read the cards in the dark.” Dee reminds Dennis, more or less ignoring the very reasonable protests of the opposing team.

Dennis shrugs and the five of them fall into silence again.

Several minutes of sighing, picking at duct tape, and a few failed attempts at getting a harmony going, Charlie has another suggestion. “We could drink?”

And so they do.

Until the radio blares to life 33 and a half hours later, startling all of them, and announces the blizzard has passed and, while the roads are still dangerous and temperatures are still below freezing, it should be safe to start getting back to their everyday lives.

The gang heads back upstairs, the lights are back on and Jackie Denardo is back on the TV. Except she’s in a thick coat zipped up to her chin. Dennis rolls his eyes and flicks the power button. The five of them gather at the corner of the bar and get back to their everyday lives: drinking.


	2. Blizzard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt word: Blizzard. I did not use blizzard at all. Nor imply a blizzard at all. There are no blizzards in this chapter, for which I apologize. But either way. The gang goes to the mountains to escape the Christmas Spirit.

It’s freezing in the mountains. Which, like, yeah, no shit, but still. It’s _freezing._

The five of them are in a relatively nice cabin - Frank spared no expense. Well. Dennis with Frank’s card spared no expense - in the mountains. It’s another ski lodge, with less creepy dudes running the place and more cheery Christmassy goodness. After the last Christmas where everything sucked extra bad, they decided that leaving town for the week and forgetting about the holiday entirely would be the best idea.

Unfortunately it never occurred to any of them that a ski lodge on Christmas would be bursting with cheer. There was cheer everywhere, from the over-sized Christmas tree stuffed in the living room of the cabin to the constant jingle bells every time they went _anywhere._ It was the worst.

“This is the worst.” Dennis complained as they walked through the beautifully lit streets of the small marketplace on the mountain, a group of carolers passed by and received five of the most intense glares they’ve ever seen.

“Who’s idea was it to go skiing to get away from Christmas?” Dee asked with just as much exasperation in her voice as her brother’s. A collection of grumbles met her since, really, they all had the opportunity to realize this was the worst idea.

They poured into a bar which was like, 100 times nicer than Paddy’s and that was also the worst and they crammed into a booth and the music was loud and joyful and the waitress was wearing reindeer antlers that jingled _and_ had blinking lights. She was bright and cheery and annoying, but she brought the booze almost immediately, and the bar offered pretzel bites in beer cheese sauce which was kind of amazing and eventually they got drunk enough that they forgot to be pissed about Christmas.


	3. Wreath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Wreath. A parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas featuring Mrs. Kelly and Mrs. Mac. And Cricket. Gets a little sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Guns/gun violence and drug mention  
> Let me know if there's anything I missed for tagging!

T’was the morning before Christmas and all through the town, 

the people were scurrying, the snow coming down. 

The wreath was hung on the door with care, 

in hopes that their sons soon would be there.

The children were grown, all out on their own, 

but every Christmas they were back in their home.

Mrs. Kelly in her apron, Ms. Mac with a beer

Decorating the house, spreading Christmas cheer

When all of the sudden came a terrible crash

A Cricket was rummaging out back in the trash!

Mrs. Kelly jumped, her spoon hit the floor

And Ms. Mac turned her gun right to the door.

The garbage lay out on the cold ground below

And Cricket tried running, but he was too slow

A bang and another, boy did he run

But Ms. Mac was just quick, as was her gun

With a shot to his leg, and one in his thigh

He hit the ground hard, and man, did he cry

Shouts were called out, and the sirens blared

And Cricket crawled off, homeless and scared

Ms. Mac locks her gun and grabs a fresh beer

Mrs. Kelly counts three and abates her fear

Somewhere out in the cold winter air

A Cricket longs for warmth and care

But on the other side of the town so cold

Two boys decorate like times of old

Despite the horror they brought on their friend

They’ll never repent, not in the end

They put up the tree, the stockings, the wreath

And they’ll never care for the Cricket’s grief

They’ll drink eggnog and each get a snack

And forget they got a priest addicted to crack

It’s all their fault, everything, always

And Cricket will plot the hell that he’ll raise

Christmas is over, it died years before

And Cricket will get revenge on that whore

This poem got dark, but that’s how it goes

I have a weird attraction to demented shows.


	4. Eggnog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets Eggnog drunk.  
> Or food poisoning. He isn't quite sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for vomit

Charlie was eggnog drunk, which was not a pleasant feeling at all. Beer drunk was good. Beer drunk was light and fun and dizzy and good. Wine drunk wasn’t bad, either. Wine drunk was loose and relaxed and safe. Liquor drunk wasn’t quite as good. Liquor drunk was messy and lost and falling over. Liquor drunk was good for when you wanted to forget.

Eggnog drunk, though, was something else. It came with all the mess of liquor drunk with the added bonus of being too nauseatingly sweet.

He’d lost count of how many cups (bottles?) in he’d gotten, and was just at that frustrating level of drunk where everyone else seemed sober and he couldn’t keep up. And the sweet milkiness of the nog was turning his stomach.

Someone said something that made everyone else laugh, but Charlie missed it, trying to split his focus between staying upright and not losing his lunch. Someone else said his name and he shifted his focus, turned too far, and tilted off the stool. Somebody with quicker reflexes had arms around his shoulders before he hit the ground, but now his focus had dropped and he did hit the ground after he puked on that somebody.

Charlie lost track of a lot of things after that, but realized at some point he ended up in the bathroom of the bar. The gross one, which was fine because he was gross. 

He sat back against the wall and dragged the sleeve of his gray hoodie across his mouth.

The door popped open and a blurry figure that looked a lot like Dee walked in, heels clacking against the tile.

“What the hell were you drinking?” She asked, sounding less concerned and more curious.

“Eggnog.” He’s pretty sure he says aloud.

“Where did you find eggnog?” Dee towers over him, dropping a damp bar rag in his lap. 

“There was a whole pile of it in the office.” He knows he slurring his words. He presses the rag against his face.

“In the office? Charlie! That stuff was from like 3 years ago!”

Charlie shrugs. “And? Alcohol doesn’t go bad, Dee.”

“There wasn’t any alcohol in that!”

A pause. “What?”

“That was just regular eggnog. From 3 years ago. Remember when we had that Christmas thing and we were going to sell spiked eggnog but we forgot about it like 10 minutes after buying all the stuff and it sat in the basement for like ever?”

Charlie thought about it. And yeah, that rang some bells somewhere. Well, shit. Why did he feel drunk, then?

“Probably because you drank like a gallon of poison. I bet that stuff, like, fermented or whatever.”

Charlie hadn’t realized he said that out loud. “Huh.” He turned and just barely made it in the toilet.

“Gross. Clean yourself up. Dennis won’t let us take his car if you’re going to get it covered in puke.” Dee said letting the door swing shut behind her.

Charlie leaned back against the wall and made a half-hearted attempt at dabbing at the white goop on his hoodie.

“Why are we taking Dennis’s car?” He asks way too late.

****

They were taking Dennis’s car, as it turned out, because Dee was taking him home. Apparently Mac, Dennis, and Frank were being Assholes (what else is new) and Dee was tired of listening to the ways she resembled a bird. Like they really couldn’t be bothered to come up with any new insults?

Charlie nodded along like he wasn’t actively participating in the conversation before the eggnog hit the fan. He had his puke bucket - okay, mop bucket, same diff - clutched in his lap. Dennis promised to murder both Charlie and Dee if he puked in his car and he wasn’t exaggerating. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't figure out where to go next, so I feel like it cuts off rather abruptly. It's possible I may come back to this one if inspiration hits.


	5. Christmas Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang brings the Christmas Spirit to the bar with a Christmas party and everyone's invited!

The gang didn’t really do a lot of Christmas parties these days. The first few years after they’d bought the bar, after Charlie and Mac had given their measly savings and Dennis used his allowance from Frank to buy Paddy’s, after Dee had managed to trick and guilt her brother into giving her a job there, after they’d finally been able to make it in the real world as Adults, they had Christmas parties every year.

But eventually, life caught up and instead of enjoying the holiday like they had as kids, Dennis and Dee grew cynical and all but banned the holiday from the bar, limiting Mac and Charlie to having decorations up for just two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Mac and Charlie, for their part, really only cared about one tradition - throwing rocks at trains. So long as they could do that every Christmas morning, they didn’t really care what else happened. So the parties stopped. The gift exchanges trickled on for a few more years until they were giving each other liquor from the counter and, eventually, they gave that up, too.

But last year things had changed. Last year, Frank had a change of heart and finally sparked joy in the lives of his children for the first time since they were 7 years old. 30 years is a long time to go without Christmas cheer, so once that well was full, Dee and Dennis were practically overflowing the next year.

It was unexpected, but Dennis was actually the one to suggest they bring back the Christmas party. They could invite all their old friends. Or acquaintances. The plaintiffs of their lives. They decorated the bar up early and set flyers in the restrooms for the handful of regular patrons.

On December 23rd, two nights before Christmas, the bar was full for once, people in sweaters and silly hats, drinking eggnog specials and Toxic Hot Chocolate, playing dumb drinking games in the corner. The jukebox played through a list of classic Christmas music and it was genuinely a good time.

The McPoyles were there, the Ponderosa siblings, Cricket, and Duncan, and Z, and Old Black Man, and even The Waitress stopped by, adamantly refusing to kiss Charlie under the mistletoe.

For once the gang actually did their jobs - Dee waited on people, Dennis tended the bar, Charlie cleaned spills as they happened, Mac checked IDs, and Frank kept the books.

It was… _ incredibly boring _ they each realized at the same time. Mac looked up suddenly from the ID he didn’t bother reading the year on, Dennis looked over after popping the top of a  _ Coors _ , Dee dropped a round of shots at a table and turned sharply, Charlie dropped his mop back in the bucket and squinted across the bar, and Frank stepped out of the office and cast a wide gaze on the party. The five of them exchanged glances, somehow able to read each other despite the distance. Knowing each other for almost 40 years does that. They each dropped what they were doing and followed Frank into the office, locking the door behind them.

“This is the worst Christmas party ever, right?” Dennis asks, breaking the silence.

“It’s  _ so _ boring! You would think with all those weirdos out there someone would start fighting or  _ something _ !” Mac complained.

“Yeah, everyone’s all cheery and nice and it’s kind of skeeving me out.” Dee agreed, knocking off the antler headband someone had insisted she wear. 

“There’s nothing going on out there, man, it’s like we don’t even know these people.”

Frank shrugged. “Looks like Pondy’s back on the wagon, man, I dunno what to tell ya.”

“Well this is ridiculous. I didn’t sign up to work at our own Christmas party.” Dennis tore his own santa hat off and tossed it on the desk. 

“Well what are we supposed to do? We can’t just kick everybody out.” Charlie paused. “Can we?”

“We could leave?” Dennis suggests with a shrug.

Sneaking out the back door and into the alley where the range rover was parked wasn’t nearly as difficult as it should have been. None of their “friends” were particularly interested in any of them so no one notices the five of them do really bad ninja impersonations from the office to the back door.

They get outside and it’s stupid cold because they were all too dumb to remember to grab their coats, so they piled into the Rover as quickly as possible and bitched about the cold until the car warmed up.

“So now what?” Charlie asked from between Frank and Dee in the back seat.

“Wanna go back to Dee’s place and watch Die Hard?” Mac asked.

Everyone agreed in unison and Dennis put the car in drive. Despite how many parties they throw and how many beeves they squash, they really can’t stand to be around anyone who isn’t them. Which sucked, because they could barely stand to be around each other, but at least they hated each other together. And that’s all that friendship really was, right?


	6. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Charlie decorate the bar for Christmas.

_ “Angels we have heard on high,  _

_ sweetly singing o’re the plains. _

_ And the mountains in reply _

_ Echoing their joyous strains.” _

Mac hummed along to the hymn as he and Charlie decorated the bar up on Christmas eve. Mac knew Charlie wasn’t a big fan of the more religiousy Christmas music - that had been literally beat out of him at St. Joseph’s - but Christmas eve was special and Mac would be damned if he didn’t get a song or two about the birth of their savior. 

He looked over as Charlie wrapped the small tree in the gaudiest garland they could find. Charlie was singing along too, muttering the words under his breath as he went.

The song hit the chorus and Mac decided to sing along aloud.

_ “Gloria, in excelsis Deo _

_ Gloria, in excelsis Deo.” _

The louder Mac sang, the louder Charlie sang - still quieter, but Mac couldn’t help but smile. If there was one thing Charlie was good at, aside from bashing rats, it was music. He probably could have been really successful with it if it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t read to save his life. 

Mac turned away suddenly when he’d realized he’d stopped setting up the train tracks and was just staring at his best friend. He clicked the next few pieces of the track in line, pressing it into the cotton snow that covered the bar top and went back to humming along.

“Alright, dude.” Charlie grabbed his attention from across the bar. “Ready to put the angel on the tree?”

That was Mac’s favorite part of Christmas. Ever since his dad was taken to prison when he was a kid, he’d been tasked with putting the Angel on the tree. At least for the few years his mom bothered with a tree before deciding it wasn’t worth the effort. Charlie’s mom was kind enough to let him take the tradition to their house after that. She and Charlie would hang lights and tinsel and bobbles, but the angel was always saved for when Mac would come over. It was no wonder the Kelly’s house always felt like a second home to him.

“Mac?” Charlie dragged him out of his thoughts again, holding the old, faded tree topper out to him. Mac was feeling oddly nostalgic today. Christmas always did that to him, but it was hitting especially hard this year. Probably because his childhood home burned down, his dad probably hated him for good now, and everything was completely different and would never be the same. He shook the thoughts off and took the plastic angel. 

“Hold it steady. Don’t let me fall like last time.” Mac warned as he climbed on top of the wobbly bar stool while Charlie kept it from tipping over.

“I’m not gonna let you fall, dude.”

“You did.” Mac argued, bracing himself as the stool shook.

“Okay, but I won’t this time.”

“Just hold it still, then.”

“I am holding it still. Just put the angel on so you can get down.”

Mac scowled, but was concentrating too hard on putting the angel up without falling that he didn’t bother with another retort. He placed the angel on the top branch, ensuring it was snug and wouldn’t be falling off before he climbed down. Charlie set the stool back up under the bar and the two of them stood back to admire their work.

“I think it’s crook-”

“It’s not crooked. You’re head’s crooked.” Mac stormed off and grabbed a beer, turning back to the train. The song had long since ended and, by the silence that followed, they’d reached the end of the playlist on Mac’s phone. 

They worked together in silence for a while, Charlie having moved on to nailing stockings to the wall behind the tree while Mac strategically place little trees along the tracks. The silence was gradually broken when Mac realized he could hear Charlie humming. Apparently he’d gotten that song stuck in his head. Mac picked up when Charlie got to the chorus, humming along under his breath so Charlie wouldn’t hear him and stop.

Gradually though, they both got louder until they were fully singing, hitting the harmonies in a way that was truly impressive. Once they’d finished the song, the silence that followed was almost awkward. Until Mac picked up with  _ Hark! The Herald Angels Sing _ and Charlie followed suit. 

It was hours later before Dennis and Dee showed up to a pretty magical scene: the lights were twinkling, the train running up the tracks, the stockings hug, and the angel standing proudly from the top of the tree while two childhood best friends sang the worst rendition of  _ Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer _ that anyone had ever heard.


	7. The Ghost of Christmas Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis and Dee's plan does not go the way they wanted.

Dennis and Dee had a plan, dammit. A whole  _ Christmas Carol _ thing with the ghost of the dead business partner (who wasn’t really dead) and the video of Christmas past and the office party of Christmas present (Dee still wasn’t sure that was the right move. Frank didn’t even work there anymore, how was that the present? Anyway…). Then they went through the work of setting up the fake headstone out in the  _ freezing  _ cemetary next to their mother’s grave, which probably should have sparked some sort of feeling in them, but didn’t.

Dragging Frank and his old business partner, Eugene, out for the whole Ghost of Christmas Future bit didn’t work at all how they expected. Not that they should have expected that bringing Frank to the grave of his dead ex-wife would have provided the Christmas miracle they wanted. There was no way having his two spoiled grown-ass children yell at him about Christmas presents was going to make his heart grow three sizes or whatever.

Frank storms off after the fight reaches a head and the twins turn their anger toward Frank’s Old Business Partner, Eugene, blowing up at him for no reason at all before they, too, storm off, leaving the old man alone in the cold with no ride home. They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and if the apples are stuck on with duct tape, they sometimes don’t fall at all.

There’s an unusual but heavy silence that sits in the car while Dennis drives back to the bar. Both he and Dee are fuming. How could Frank not have a change of heart? They did the whole formula! They had all the elements! At this point it wasn’t even about the Countach anymore (it was always about the Countach). It was the principle of the matter. 

“It’s the principle of the matter!” Dennis shouts, making Dee jump as he slams his hands on the steering wheel while they wait for the light to turn green.

“He’s just the worst. A bitter old man who thinks he can hold his money over us for the rest of our lives. Well, he can’t, Dennis. He can’t hold it over us forever. One day that bastard’s gonna die and we’re gonna hold  _ that  _ over  _ his _ head!” She grins that creepy grin that the Reynolds twins always have whenever they got a bit too deep into it.

“Exactly! Revenge will be ours, Sweet Dee. We just have to wait it out. He’s not going to leave us shit, but when that next stroke hits, where are Dennis and Dee going to be? Not fucking there, that’s for sure!” Dennis matches her grin.

They sit in silence again, each lost in a somewhat horrific fantasy of the ways they’d lord over Frank on his deathbed. 

But the glee didn’t last long - how could it? It was horrifying. They both fell back into memories of childhood dreams crushed every year. Of boxes being empty and of Frank buying wishlists for himself. From toys to cars to gadgets to handbags and clothes. Every year the disappointment was bigger and more pronounced. Frank tried to out-do himself every year. This year, he’d finally won. There was nothing Dennis wanted, had ever wanted,  _ would ever want  _ more than that yellow Lamborghini Countach. And there it was. In spitting distance. And every damn time he saw Frank peel out in that thing he felt sick.

“Christmas is the worst.” He muttered, mostly to himself.

“It sucks.” Dee agrees. “Let’s just go back to the bar and drink ourselves to death.” 


	8. Tinsel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis and Charlie versus Icicles

The tinsel was hung on the tree with care. And the icicles were hung on the edge of the roof with far less concern. Especially for the wary passersby. The icicles were big and hanging precariously. Even the regulars were avoiding walking under the ice to get in the bar.

“We’ve gotta do something about that.” Dennis said with a frown as another potential patron paused and turned before coming in.

“We could try knocking them down with like a broom or whatever.” Charlie suggested, standing next to Dennis and peering outside. 

Dennis shrugs in agreement and the two of them dig out a couple brooms from the back and get to work.

Charlie whacks hard with the broomstick, shattering a number of icicles and flinging shards of ice everywhere. Dennis ducks his head behind his arm, careful not to get shards in his eyes. 

“That was way cooler than I thought it’d be!”

Dennis agrees and takes his turn at bashing the remaining icicles, and they shatter in much the same way, glinting in the sunlight and dusting the ground. They take a few more turns battering the frozen death traps above the bar before all the ice is down. They head back into the bar with ice melting in their hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the incredibly short length and the lack of actual tinsel.


	9. Mistletoe Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes to a Christmas Light tour and things get awkward for Dee and Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty obvious CharDee that doesn't really go anywhere in the end. Vague mention of MacDennis.

For reasons unknown, the gang ends up at a festival of lights. The air is chilly, but not so cold that it’s unbearable. They’re each bundled up and holding warm cups of hot chocolate as they walk through the tiny makeshift village. The buildings are lit up and smell of fudge and cinnamon and praline. There are bonfires spread throughout the village and people are roasting marshmallows as faint Christmas carols jingle overhead.

The five of them are on their way to the trolley that will take them through the Tour of Lights through the forest. It promises to be quaint and all that good shit.

As they make their way down, they go through a series of garland wrapped archways. As the five of them cross under the final archway, Charlie looks down.

“What’s that?” He points toward the ground and the red and white stripes have ended with a gold stripe under the last archway and written in the paint is the phrase “Look up! You’re standing under mistletoe!”

The other four tilt their heads back, Charlie following their lead, and see that, instead of the traditional garland like the other archways had, this one is decked out in mistletoe. 

Charlie and Dee, who were standing next to each other, shrug and gave a quick peck, not enough to qualify as a ‘kiss’ by most standards, but good enough.

“Gross!” Both Dennis and Mac shout while Frank just gives a disgusted look.

“What?” Dee looks genuinely confused.

“Not - what - why are you two kissing?”

“It’s mistletoe?” Charlie says more like a question, pointing up at the plants while Dee nods along.

“So?! You don’t see me and Mac or Frank kissing!”

“Yeah, you probably should, I mean…” Charlie jabs upward again, raising his eyebrows.

“No! And, gross, dude,  _ Dee _ ?” Mac says, wrinkling his nose.

Dee rolls her eyes and Charlie looks confused. “And? It’s not like we’ve never kissed before.”

“WHAT?!” Dennis, Mac, and Frank all shout at the same time that Dee screams his name.

Realizing what he’s revealed, Charlie closes his eyes. “ _ Shit.” _ He sighs.

“What do you  _ mean _ you two have kissed?!” Dennis looks like he’s going to bust a vein in his forehead.

“Charlie, are you and Deandra banging?” Frank asks, gesturing more dramatically and crudely than necessary and splashing his hot chocolate all over the place.

“What? No, we’re not- Forget I said anything. Look, let’s just go look a the lights.” Charlie says, starting to march on, Dee following suit, trying just as hard to forget Charlie said anything.

“This is not something I’m forgetting.” Mac says, following behind them. 

Dee whirls around, walking backwards behind Charlie. “Look, it was just a kiss, it’s not like it meant anything. Me and Charlie  _ aren’t _ anything!”

“Well, it wasn’t just -”

“It was!” She turns back around with a glare. “It was just a kiss and that’s it. So we can all just drop it, okay?” She was squawking now and people were looking, so for once the guys did, in fact, drop it. Just in time, too, because they’d just gotten to the trolley stop and people were already loading up.

In the shuffling, they ended up split. Charlie and Dee were stuck in a seat together on the left side, while Mac, Dennis, and Frank managed to squeeze together on the right, two rows back.

It was incredibly awkward for Charlie and Dee. They sit side-by-side but avoid each other like the plague, sitting as far apart as the can. Right up until a passenger asks Dee to scootch over and she and Charlie end up pressed next to each other, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder. She can feel him shivering through his thin jacket and hoodie. Now that they were away from the fires and the crowds and the warm buildings, the temperature feels like it’s dropped at least 10 degrees. 

Dee huffs. She didn’t like things being awkward with Charlie. Or anyone for that matter, but Charlie especially. “Charlie, can we-” she starts, but he begins to speak at the same time, “Look, I didn’t-”

They pause again and it’s even more awkward and that’s  _ bad _ , because the last time things had gotten this awkward after they’d kissed, they’d ended up making out on her couch and fucking on her floor. 

“Dammit, Charlie, can we just go back to pretending that never happened? It was going so good before.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d love to, Dee, but Mac and Dennis and Frank aren’t about to let it go.” He still won’t look at her.

“Well, if you hadn’t  _ told _ them about it then it would have been fine!” The guy who’d crammed next to her was looking now, so Dee makes an effort to lower her voice into somewhat of a whisper-scream.

“Well why did you have to kiss me again?” Charlie finally turns and he looks exasperated.

“It was mistletoe!” Dee forgets to keep quiet this time. “And you kissed me, too, you know!”

Whatever Charlie might have said to that is cut off by the sudden crackling of the speaker overhead. “Welcome to the Tour of Lights! A few ground rules before we set off…” The tour guide goes through the usual “keep you hands and feet inside” and “don’t stand up” and blah blah and some little history facts that were not remotely interesting. The speaker being just loud enough that they couldn’t hold a conversation.

Once the noise dies down and is replaced by much quieter Christmas tunes, the trolley lurches forward and they started down the lit trail.

“What did you mean…” Charlie starts, then pauses. He isn’t looking at her again, instead his eyes are glued to the lights passing by. He takes a breath and Dee sees the fog dissipate in front of him when he breathes out. “What did you mean when you said ‘it’s not like it meant anything’?”

Dee feels his leg bouncing rapidly next to hers, a sure sign that this was something that was really bothering him. She had to choose her next words very carefully or it was going to be awkward for the rest of their lives. She sighs. “I don’t know, Charlie. I just… it wasn’t supposed to, right? So I just thought... I thought we had moved past it. Things were back to the way they were.”

“Yeah, but,” Charlie turns and looks back at her, his knee had stopped, but now he looks almost sad. Dee is confused. “... Never mind. We’ll go back to the way things were before.” He turns back to the lights.

“Well, hang on, ‘but’ what?”

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

“Wait, Charlie, you didn’t… you didn’t fall in love with me because of that, did you? Because that’s -”

“No! I don’t know! Maybe!” He shouts angrily and the man next to Dee shushes them and he was very lucky she was too taken aback to do anything about it right now.

“‘ _ Maybe’ _ ? Charlie, what the hell?”

“I don’t know, Dee. It’s confusing and I’m not good at this shit, I don’t know. And then there was always the Waitress, but now that’s not… I don’t know, okay?” He’s getting anxious and pissed and his legs are both bouncing and Dee knows when to drop a subject. Except... 

Except she doesn’t want to drop it. Not yet. “What are we supposed to do, then?” She asks quietly, almost to herself. They pass by a small party of light up figures, two of which are kissing under glowing mistletoe. She feels Charlie shrug against her shoulder. 

A little kid on the bench in front of them suddenly stands up and points. “It’s snowing!”

Dee squints and oh, shit, it is snowing. Light, fluffy flakes falling down, glinting off the colored lights in the distance.  _ Winter Wonderland _ plays over the speakers. It’s kind of romantic in that cheesy, Christmasy way. It’s not really Dee’s thing, but she knows Charlie eats that shit up, which makes this even more uncomfortable.

She looks over at him. He’s got that look he gets when he’s quietly anxious. It’s really different from the loud panic attacks, more contemplative and, honestly, more worrisome. He’s shivering still, harder now that the air is moving against the trolley and the snow is coming down. He tucks his bare hands into his coat and pulls it tighter.

“Let’s just keep doing what we’ve been doing.” Dee says, which is essentially all she’s been saying, but airing everything out and finally talking about it for the first time makes the statement feel more relieving than anything else. 

“Pretending it never happened and ignoring  _ them _ ?” Charlie asks, jabbing a thumb back and reminding Dee that Dennis, Mac, and Frank were still with them.

“No, not pretending it didn’t happen, just… being friends, not letting it be weird, because I don’t want it to be weird.” She sounds whiny at the last bit, but she really doesn’t want it to be weird. Their group dynamic had barely changed since high school, aside from adding her weird not-dad into the mix (which was a whole thing in itself), and she didn’t want to jeopardize that. Even though whatever Dennis and Mac had going on didn’t seem to be making much of a difference. 

“Yeah, I guess it would get kind of weird. I mean, look at Dennis and Mac. They won’t even admit there’s something going on and it’s already weird.” He laughs a little and Dee feels the tension ebb away.

She agrees with him and they switch their conversation to making fun of how bad Mac and Dennis are at keeping secrets and things aren’t weird and they’re not really paying attention to the lights anymore, but they are pressing into each other because it’s cold and for a moment their relationship isn’t defined by labels like love and romance or friendship. They’re just two people enjoying each others’ company who genuinely like each other. Not that they would ever admit it to the rest of the gang. Not unless they really want to take this in a whole different direction. But for now they’re content to simply exist as two people who like to be around each other. And if no one else likes it, well, they can go fuck themselves.


	10. Chimney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis, Dee, and Frank do a good deed when Mac and Charlie are down with the flu.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. Except not really, because the chimney in the bar wasn’t really a “chimney” so much as a flue running to the roof. So the stockings were hung by the bar. And they were more haphazardly tossed up than hung with care. But regardless, the stockings were up.

Dennis turns towards the tree where Dee and Frank are taking turns hanging ornaments, Dee’s long arms reaching high, Frank reaching low. “I still don’t see why we’re doing this.” He reaches in a box and turns a snowglobe over in his hands.

“Because Mac and Charlie have the flu, so they can’t and we’re doing something nice for once in our lives.” Frank answers, taking the snow globe from Dennis and setting in on the pool table.

“Okay, but why? They only decorate for themselves anyway. If they’re not going to be here, why even bother?”

“Yeah, that’s a good question.” Dee jumps in. “I get doing good and Christmas spirit and all that jazz, but Dennis has a point here.”

Frank starts to speak, then pauses. “Huh. Dennis does have a point. If we really wanted to do some Christmas good, we’d bring all this shit back to the apartment and decorate there where they could appreciate it.”

“Exactly- well, wait, hang on-.”

Dennis’ protests are cut off by Dee, though. “Oh, that’s a great idea. We can decorate your apartment, Dennis.” She grins but there’s that Reynolds’ brand mischief behind it. 

****

Dee and Frank pack up all the Christmas boxes, including the tree, in the back of Dennis’ car despite his protests, and take to the task of bringing Christmas to their bedridden friends.

The two of them had been more or less quarantined in Dennis and Mac’s apartment. Frank’s refusal to share a room, much less a  _ bed, _ with a sick Charlie and Dennis’ “sickness begone!” method of staying healthy made it the logical choice. The two childhood best friends could spend Christmas together, just like every year.

When Dennis opens the door, the apartment is almost completely silent, except for what looks like the Die Hard DVD menu playing the same 5 or 6 lines over and over again. Charlie is curled up on the couch, facing away from the tv, with a blanket tangled around his legs, but otherwise sound asleep. Mac’s bedroom door is cracked open and his quiet snores can be heard from within.

Dennis rolls his eyes while Dee and Frank exchange excited looks. The three quietly set to putting up the decorations around their sleeping friends.

****

It takes hours before everything is set up, but by the time Mac stumbles into the living room, the tree is up, the train going in circles around it. There are lights  _ everywhere _ and the stockings are hanging over the window. If he could breathe through his nose, he’d smell hot chocolate coming from the kitchen where Dennis, Dee, and Frank have snuck off to.

“What the hell?” He croaks out, voice pretty much shot. He moves over to the couch and roughly jostles Charlie’s shoulder. “Dude, wake up. I think we got like… reverse robbed or something.”

Charlie groans and buries his face in the pillow, but Mac won’t let up, so he finally sits up and takes a minute to orientate himself. “What… Elves?” He asks.

“What? No, not elves. Elves aren’t real, Charlie.” Mac shoves him over and sits on top of the blanket.

“Well how else do you explain this?”

The other three can’t take it anymore and pop around the corner from the kitchen. “Merry Christmas!” Frank says gleefully while Dee and Dennis stand behind him with two steaming mugs each. 

“Did you guys do this?” Charlie asks, as though it isn’t painfully obvious.

“Why? What happened to the bar?” Mac asks, a little wary.

“We figured why waist the decorations on the bar when you two were stuck up here for Christmas.” Frank answered, gesturing for Dee and Dennis to serve the hot cocoa.

“Yeah.” Dennis handed a mug to Mac while Dee passed hers to Charlie. “Which just means that once this hell holiday is over, the two of  _ you _ get to un-decorate.”

Mac and Charlie both look, well, like shit, but aside from that they look really grateful, tired eyes dancing from one thing to another. Mac looks like he may tear up. Charlie might already be. 

Dennis crams himself on the couch next to Mac, forcing him to scoot closer to Charlie. “So, what are we watching?” He asks and Dee and Frank pull up chairs and join them.

“Die Hard 2?”


	11. A Christmas Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis and Frank go hunting. Dennis shoots his eye out (but not really)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for guns again. This time for hunting. Implied animal death in regards to said hunting. Nothing is graphic, but be warned just in case.

“You’ll shoot your eye out!” Mac groused while Dennis donned an orange vest over a camo jacket.

“I’m not going to shoot my eye out.” Dennis pulls a matching camo hat over his ears and grins in the mirror, like the dork he is

“Why are you going hunting with Frank anyway?”

“Because sometimes a man has to get out there and kill something, Mac! And it’s been too long since I’ve gotten to _kill_.” Dennis’ voice did that thing it did when he went just a little bit sociopathic. Or psychopathic. Mac could never remember the difference, but that therapist definitely used one of those words when writing that prescription.

“Right. Okay, well, just make sure it’s not Frank. We’d be screwed without his money. Unless,” he corrected, “I’m in Frank’s will by now. In that case, knock yourself out.”

Dennis was focusing too much on making sure he gave off a very precise level of rugged to give a shit about what Mac was saying.

****

Somehow, Dennis and Frank managed to get up in the deer stand with a bunch of guns and beers and little incident. That, in and of itself, was a Christmas miracle.

Dennis cracked open a beer and relaxed back in his camper chair. Frank sat on a tall swivel chair, practically hanging out the window with his rifle aimed at a thick patch of trees and eye pressed unnecessarily to the scope.

“The key, Dennis, is to make sure you get the bastards right in the heart. That way they bleed out but none of the meat’s messed up. And keep the face clean, ‘cause those deer mounts sell like hot cakes in the right market.”

“Right. Make it quick and clean.” Dennis had yet to actually even touch one of the guns, more content with the concept of hunting than actually doing any.

“Oh, shit, Dennis, grab a gun, there’s a whole bunch of ‘em coming through that clearing! I’m gonna take out that buck.” Frank practically falls all over himself trying to find the right angle.

Dennis jumps up, taking one of the rifles in hand and stands over Frank’s shoulder. “Where?”

Frank gestures with the end of his gun and Dennis follows his line of sight until he sees a small group of about 5 or 6 deer in the distance. He’s just positioned his gun to aim when Frank fires off 3 shots in rapid succession, which startles him. Dennis flinches at the same time that he pulls the trigger and there’s a small explosion of sound and pain. Right in his right eye. 

_Shit shit shit shit!_ He drops the gun and hands fly up to his face and he can’t open his eye and _oh, shit, he’s gone blind_! He doesn’t realize he’s starting to panic until Frank is lightly smacking him on the opposite cheek, getting his attention. Dennis didn’t notice he fell to his knees until he cracks one eye open and sees Frank looking down at him.

For several minutes, Dennis is a child again, looking up at his dad after he hurt himself, begging him to make it okay again. Frank must see it, too, because he’s gentle and precise as he tugs Dennis’ hand down and brushes a thumb over his eyebrow. He whistles low. “Gotcha good, huh?” He flattens a hand against Dennis’ jaw and tilts his head, still more gentle than Dennis had ever really seen. “I don’t think it’s gonna need stitches, but you’re gonna have a nice shiner for a few weeks at least.”

With the initial shock starting to wear off, the pain sets in and it _hurts like a bitch_ , but Dennis starts to feel more like himself and less like a child. He brushes Frank’s hand off and gets back to his feet, grabbing a fresh beer from the cooler and pressing it against his eye. He flops back in the camper chair and leans his head back, both eyes closed and face pinched.

There’s sounds of Frank tinkering and tottering about then a pause. “Hey, Dennis! Looks like you managed to bag your first deer!”

Dennis cracks his good eye open and sees Frank pointing out the window. He stands warily and squints against the trees and the brush, wincing as the expression tugs at his new wound. It takes a minute, but he finally manages to spot the deer lying in the brush.

****

By the time they meet back up with the rest of the gang late that afternoon, Dennis had washed the dried blood off his face, gotten the deer to a processing facility, and even managed to forget about his black eye, grinning like a loon as he and Frank pulled open the door to the bar.

It took less than two seconds for Mac to remind him. “Holy shit, dude! I told you! I told you you’d shoot your eye out!” He jumps off the bar stool pointing dramatically.

“Sit down, I didn’t ‘shoot my eye out’. I got hit with the scope. It’s fine.” He pulls up his own seat next to Mac while Frank pulls a seat up by Charlie. Dee passes them both cold drinks from across the bar top.

“Well? Manage to satisfy whatever weird urge it is you get to kill something?” She asks, popping the top off her own beer.

Dennis grins. “Deer steak is on the menu.”


	12. Elves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie believes in Leprechauns and Elves and Ghouls. Dennis decides it's gone on long enough.

Charlie was... naive. Gullible. Childlike. Some might even say downright stupid, if they were feeling particularly mean. Those people were feeling particularly mean today.

“For the last time, they were not Elves!” Dennis through his arms in the air in frustration. Why was Charlie more likely to believe in Elves and Leprechauns and fae than in Little People?

“How do you know they weren’t Elves?” Charlie asked nonchalantly, grabbing a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar.

“ _ How _ ? Because Elves aren’t real! They don’t exist!” Dennis was going to give himself an aneurysm and Dee thought it was the funniest thing ever. She grabbed her own handful of nuts.

“Oh yeah? How do you know?” She was egging him on. Mac knew it, Frank knew it, hell, even Charlie wasn’t  _ that _ naïve. But Dennis. Dennis wasn’t the best at picking up on that. He turns on Dee, a looking crossing his face that is somewhere between murderous and baffled. It’s quite a look. 

“Dee. You’re not- you cannot be serious?” He laughs like it’s a joke, but with no real mirth.

“Yeah, Dennis, can you  _ prove _ Elves aren’t real?” Charlie grins, glad to have someone on his side for once.

Dennis ruffles like a bird, ironically. “Can you  _ prove _ they are?!” He emphasizes “prove” way more dramatically than necessary.

“Nope. If you can’t prove that they aren’t real, then Charlie could be right. There could be Elves all over Philly and we’d never know it.” 

Dennis was going to slap that grin off that bitch’s face. Instead he slaps the nuts out of her hand and scatters them across the bartop, storming out while her string of curses follow him.

****

Dennis was nothing without a point to prove, and boy did he have a point to prove. 

Charlie had all but forgotten about their conversation that morning when Dennis had grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him to the back office. Charlie started when Dennis swung the door open and sitting behind the desk was a woman. A Little Woman.

“Okay, Charlie, I want you to meet Michelle.” Michelle waves, Charlie waves back. “Okay, so, you see, Michelle here clearly exists, right? And Michelle is a midget, right? And midgets are not Elves. You get that, right?” Dennis says like he’s talking to a toddler.

Charlie rolls his eyes. “Okay, first, she’s a Little Person. Second, of course she exists, Dennis. And I think it’s a little insensitive of you to suggest she doesn’t.”

Dennis balks. “What? No that’s not-.”

“Or are you saying Little People are Elves? ‘Cause that’s not okay, man.” He turns to Michelle. “I’m sorry about him. He’s got this whole thing about Elves and,” he drops to a whisper, “it’s kind of a little sad and pathetic.”

“Dammit, Charlie!” Dennis screams, making Michelle flinch and Charlie roll his eyes. “No! No! I’m not the one with the Elf thing! You’re the one with the-!! Dammit!!” He storms out for the second time that day, slamming the office door shut behind him.

****

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, short chapter cut off abruptly, but here we are.


	13. Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On good days, Dennis bakes.

A little known fact was that Dennis was a very capable baker. It was a fact so little known, that Mac was pretty sure he was the only one who knew. Dennis rarely baked, usually only on really good days, which were getting fewer and further between lately. In fact, Mac was pretty sure Dennis hadn’t baked once since he’d gotten back from North Dakota. 

Which was why, when he awoke to the smell of something warm and sweet wafting through the apartment, he felt an almost overwhelming sense of joy. No longer able to sleep, despite the early hour, he got out of bed and went to the kitchen. Dennis was just pulling a tray of cookies out of the oven and the smell was heavenly.

“What’s this?” Mac asked, in lieu of a greeting.

“Hey!” Dennis’ smile was beaming and Mac’s heart warmed at the sight. “I made cookies! They just came out of the oven, so they’ll have to sit for a few minutes before we can eat them. Coffee?”

He was practically overflowing with positivity and it would have been weird if Mac weren’t so happy to see  _ Dennis _ so happy. Mac nodded at Dennis’ question, taking a seat at the table while Dennis poured him a cup.

“So, cookies?” He says, not quite awake enough for a full conversation, but still curious.

“Yeah, vanilla chai. Never made them before, but I had one at this bakery in North Dakota and couldn’t stop thinking about how good it was.”

Mac nodded along, ignoring the pang in his chest that always came up when anyone mentioned Dennis being away. “They smell amazing.” He said, after taking a long drink of the warm coffee.

“I made them with almond flour and soy milk, so it was a little difficult to get the consistency of the dough right, but I think they turned out fine.”

Mac nodded again, impressed. They sat in comfortable conversation for several minutes, waiting on the cookies to cool, before Dennis finally announced they should be ready to eat and brought a plate with a handful over to the table.

Dennis was wrong. The cookies did not turn out fine. They were much better than that. They were amazing. Mac didn’t try the cookie from North Dakota, but there was no way it could have been any better than these. He told Dennis as much.

“You like them?” He actually looks like there could be a chance in the world that Mac would hate his cookies.

“Dennis, these are the best cookies I’ve ever tasted. I love  you them.” Even talking about cookies, the word “love” tastes weird on his tongue whenever he says it around Dennis. Today, it tastes like vanilla chai and coffee.

Dennis looks pleased and Mac’s happy to see him eating for once, so he leaves it at that. Today looks like it’s going to be a really good day for Dennis, Mac is considering asking if they can start doing their monthly dinners again. He misses their time together. Sometimes it still feels like Dennis is gone, despite him sitting just feet away. 

Mac is trying to talk himself into asking when Dennis breaks the silence instead. “We haven’t been to Guigino’s in a while, have we?”

Mac has to blink for a second because maybe Dennis is reading his mind. “Yeah, it’s been a while.” He says instead of “Not since before North Dakota and Mandy and Brian, Jr. and since you left me here, alone.”

“I’m feeling Italian tonight. Want to go?”

_ More than anything. _ “More than anything.” He did not mean to say aloud.

“Great!” Dennis smiles and Mac’s stomach clenches with nerves. This is good. This is a great step in getting their relationship back to where it was. This was… making him panic, just a little. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. He knew when Dennis moved back in things would be different, and he didn’t want to push him away trying to force things to go back to the way they were. But  _ dammit _ if this didn’t make him want to ignore all of that and pretend it never happened and he and Dennis could be weirdly codependent again and Dee could make fun of them again and he would call her a bird and make fun of her for not having friends and they could be  _ them _ again. 

He breathes out slowly. “Dennis.” Oh, he was definitely going to ruin this.

“Yeah?”

“Have you thought about doing our monthly dinners again? Or, or Tuesday movie nights? Or any of our little traditions?”

Dennis gives him a contemplative look.

“Well, I haven’t really.” He says, breaking Mac’s heart with four words. “But, I guess I’m not really opposed to it. We could start tonight with Guigino’s. Did you have a movie in mind? Please, not  _ Preditor _ . Something new.”

Mac’s heart is on a roller coaster of emotions today, but “Yeah, okay, not  _ Preditor _ . What about like.  _ The Terminator _ or something.”

“ _ The Terminator _ ? Yeah, I could go for that. Maybe we could switch it up every now and then?” He asks like he’s afraid of offending Mac, which is crazy because Dennis has never cared about that before. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

“Okay, yeah! So next month, I’ll pick dinner and you can pick the movie?” 

“I like that, new movie every month. That would be good. And I’ll let you pick the next cookie flavor, too.”

“The next- really?” There are literal stars in Mac’s eyes.


	14. Reindeer Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly a short exposition of Mac and Charlie growing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This gets kind of dark. Mentions of high school bullying, drugs, suicide, depression, the whole shabang.

“ _ They never let poor Rudolph _

_ Join in any Reindeer Games.” _

Well, they never let Charlie play in any gym games, at least. He was small and scrawny and ate spiders and talked to himself and no one wanted him on their team. Except Ronnie. But Ronnie was a rat and a drug dealer and definitely gay. But he was strong and fast and he could take a beating, so people more or less left him alone.

Once they got into high school and started huffing glue and smoking behind the bleachers, things started looking up. No one still picked them in gym, but they also didn’t give two shits. They were getting high with the rich kid who thought he was a golden god or whatever. It was hilarious. Plus he paid like 4 times the going rate for weed. Every now and then his twin sister would hang out with them, in her big back brace, squeaking and squawking like a bird. She was never picked in gym either. But she was loud and annoying and a  _ girl _ so she didn’t get to hang out with them a lot.

Whenever Dennis and Dee weren’t around, Charlie and Ronnie (“It’s Mac, now”) hung out with Dooley and Psycho Pete. Dooley was kinda angry like all the time, at everything and Psycho Pete was, well, psycho. Nobody messed with them when Psycho Pete was around. 

Years later, after they’d found out Dooley had killed himself and Pete had checked himself into a mental institution for the same reason, the Mac and Charlie wondered if maybe, just somehow, they’d ended up as the most well-adjusted of the original Freight Train. Or maybe they were just too dumb to realize how shitty their lives were. Whatever the case, they still had the golden god and Aluminum Monster to hold them together.


	15. Ugly Christmas Onsie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow the gang ends up in a weird cabin in the middle of nowhere wearing matching Christmas pajamas. That's it. That's the plot.

Adorned in matching Christmas onesies was not even in the realm of what the five of them expected to be doing today. But somehow, they were. In some cabin in the middle of nowhere, with a fire crackling in the fireplace and a tree sparkling in the corner.

“What the hell is going on?” Frank asked instead.

“For the last time, Frank, we hit a patch of ice on the way to the ski lodge and ended up in a snowbank. This nice older couple let us stay in their cabin for the night so we didn’t freeze to death.” Dennis explains in a way that definitely does not sound like an explanation for a cold opening.

“Okay, but what’s with the matching footie pajamas?” Frank tugged on his in a gesture that showed his distaste.

“The trunk jammed shut when we hit that tree, so we can’t get our shit our. We’re just lucky these weird old people had five sets of pajamas in our sizes.” Dee said, as though all of that made perfect sense.

“These people are definitely going to eat us, right?” Charlie asked as he poked around, looking through various closets and cupboards.

“They’re not going to eat us.” Dennis rolled his eyes. “They’re just… eccentric.”

The couple had been leaving the cabin to head home from the holidays when they came across Frank’s benz having bounced off a tree and landed in a snowbank, like Dennis said. The five of them had been pouring out of the vehicle, freezing their asses off when the couple pulled over. A winter storm was fast approaching and they offered to let them stay at their cabin until the snow cleared enough for a tow truck to come up. The couple themselves had opted to continue their trek down the mountain, they were used to driving in the snow and wanted to get back to the grandkids or something.

Once they realized they couldn’t get their stuff out of the trunk, Mrs. Old Person had told them that there should be some clothes in the dressers still, freshly washed, that they could use until morning. They offered a ride, but they’re little two door car would hardly hold all seven of them, so the gang decided to walk the few hundred yards to the house.

****   
  


The cabin was warm, especially after having hiked through the snow. Mac tossed some logs in the fireplace and Dee pulled out the ugliest Christmas pajamas any of them had seen. They were white, or cream rather, with alternating green and red stripes. They buttoned up the front with huge gold buttons. And they didn’t really fit, not like Dee said they did. They rode up Dennis arms and legs while they were way too baggy on both Frank and Charlie. Dee and Mac managed to find ones that fit, though. 

The old couple had told them to help themselves to whatever food they needed, they said they’d overstocked for their winter stay and it would save them having to toss it all later. It was mostly canned soups, some bread, peanut butter and jelly. But there was also hot chocolate and milk that was fresh and un-open, which, again, weird, but not a sign they were going to be eaten.

There wasn’t any wifi, and there wasn’t any cable on the small TV in the living room, so they rifled through the movie collection - all Christmas films for some reason - and put on Home Alone.

It was quite a sight, 5 adults in matching onesie pajamas, watching Home Alone while drinking hot chocolate and eating PB and Js. It was like the sleepovers they’d had as kids. 

Eventually, they started nodding off, so they decided to move to the beds. There were only two bedrooms in the cabin, and a couch, which meant they had to pair up. There was an agreement that getting to sleep alone on the couch was just as good as sleeping in a bed with another person, so there weren’t really any straws to draw for that. Naturally, Charlie and Frank got one of the beds. They argued that they just got to where the slept better with each other and no one argued that. Or wanted to. Off they went into their own room to be weird and play night crawlers or whatever it was they did.

That left Dennis, Dee, and Mac. Dee called the couch, deciding she did  _ not _ want to sleep with either of those boners ever again. Mac agreed readily, but Dennis protested, somewhat unconvincingly, saying he thought they should at least discuss the idea of him getting the couch to himself, but Dee and Mac were both already 5 steps ahead, so Dennis settled for sharing a bed with Mac, not for the first time. 

***

They sleep, the day comes, they get dressed, get a tow, and do not make it to the ski lodge. They are not any closer because of the experience. It was just weird.


	16. North Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang gets lost driving through the mountains. An unusual source guides them.

“We’re fucking lost.” Mac groused, tossing the paper map he could barely figure out against the dashboard.

“We’re not lost, dammit. Just because you can’t read a map doesn’t mean we’re lost.” Dennis bitched right back, snatching the paper map up before it hit the floorboard. 

“Well, we need to figure out where we are soon. I have to pee like a horse.” Dee said, for like, the fourth time that hour. Dennis rolled his eyes and squinted at the map. 

“Wait, is it snowing?” Charlie asked from the backseat, looking out the window.

“Looks like it. Better get back on track before we get snowed in.”

Dennis, as it turned out, was no better at reading that map than Mac was, so he tossed it back, hitting Dee square in the nose and giving her well placed papercut. He pulled back on to the winding road, heading up the mountain. The road wound upward, forking left and right every half mile or so, and for the life of him Dennis could not figure out where they were or where they were supposed to be.

“Wait!” Mac shouted, causing Dennis to slam the brakes just as soon as he’d gotten to speed. “Is that the North Star? Let’s just follow that until we get to where we need to be!” He sounded so relieved and so confident in the idea that, if Dennis were a better person, he wouldn’t have told him off.

Dennis was not a better person. “How in the hell is a star going to lead us to a cabin in the middle of nowhere?”

“It worked for the wisemen, didn’t it?”

“I don’t think that’s even biblically accurate, but besides that, the North Star literally only leads north! And we know where North is!” Dennis clinched the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. Someone was going to get scratched, and that someone would likely be Mac.

Every quiets down for a few minutes while Dennis drives. The sun went down hours ago and the snow is starting to pick up. He cuts his wipers on and squints through the dark, trees lining both sides of the road. Up ahead is a sign indicating yet another split in the road and he slows back down.

“Let me see that map.” Frank says, fumbling around for it off the floor and clicking on the overhead light. “What’s that road name up ahead?”

“Polaris Way.” Mac answers, pointing towards the right.

Frank almost takes too long before telling Dennis that that’s the one he should take and the Range Rover jerks to the right at the last second. 

“Wait, so you could read that map the whole time?” Mac’s practically twisted in his seat pretending to try and read the map upside down.

“Well, yeah. I didn’t have all this new fangled technology and the FPS or whatever it’s called. We had to learn how to read real maps.” Frank makes his point by jabbing a finger at the paper in his hand.

“Well, maybe you could have said something 3 hours ago?” Dee’s screeches.

“I figured you would’ve asked if you needed my help.”

They each mutter a series of curses, but Frank manages to get them back on track, so no one can be too mad. They finally make it to the cabin well after their intended check-in time and no one ever notices the road is North Star Lane.


End file.
